That is how I feel at this current moment. While I lay in bed next to a sleeping peaceful kitty still wrapped in string from earlier play and a warm cup of nighttime tea that my kind and loving partner set on my nightstand. He’s already come in twice to give me hugs and kisses, after I let him know that I’m feeling… off. That’s literally the only way I can describe it. That feeling when objectively nothing is wrong but you also kind of just want to jump out of your skin and not exist for a while. I pick up my phone after he leaves and mindlessly look through different clothing apps, one of my favorite distraction pastimes because I’m clearly above the usual social media death scrolls… clearly. So I quit Facebook and never joined Instagram and think I’m being some pioneer in my own life, but then I’m still searching the dark depths of emptiness that is my smart phone to make me feel something other than… off. I’ve been searching now, for a while actually, for some outlet of inspiration to call my own. I’ve been journaling, I’ve been water coloring, I’ve been cooking … reading… hiking… hell, I made this website hoping to create the canvas upon which I can put something… ANYthing. Feeling off is such a strange feeling. How odd it is to be human. I’ve been on a spiritual journey for quite a while now, and I do have so much gratitude for what it’s brought me. There is a lot of peace within me that I didn’t used to have. This consistent unwavering level deep within me that knows that no matter what, all is well all the time, It feels very ethereal, but I must say it can be a bit dissociative at times. I think to a certain degree, that’s the point… to realize that you are not your body, you are not your self-narrative, you are not your thoughts…. You are the quiet observer behind all of that watching this dance happen. It can sometimes create this queer sensation for me though. The observation of it all happening. It can give me at times a disconnected feeling from the vivaciousness of humanity. Where you tiptoe the delicate line of nihilism as you notice the only constant around you. Change. I’m in this ever-evolving body… my chosen meat suit for this incarnation, whatever that truly means… and I sometimes really just am not sure how I feel about it all. Silly little human, your life story is one of many. You feel off today. Then the lucidity waver shifts… and my ears start to buzz, and I start to hear the magic again… I feel the cosmic ocean crashing against my eternal soul and the enchantment of that sea begins to fill up my whole body, threatening to swallow me up. I bow down to the graciousness of the divine Mother as she gently rocks me singing sweetly to me, “It is okay my child. You are safe in this part you are playing in the game.” What ever that also means. Sometimes I feel so deeply in it, and other times I feel hopelessly not a part of anything. There is one thing I do know though. There is some crystalline shard of immaculate human creativity within me that is absolutely dying to be let out. I keep on this beautiful journey that we’re all forced to be a part of, knowing that at some point I will find that avenue upon which to release it. I haven’t quite found it yet. I have full faith that it will be unleashed at the proper time though, sleeper cell style, when the time is right. Service to others and creativity will at the divine time make passionate love and I will crawl out from its womb with a way to truly convey the gut-wrenching fairylike wonder and also gentle passive acceptance of what is going on here. To help people. To help those feeling… off. Those feeling too much, those feeling nothing at all. I guess what I’m saying is lay it on me spirit guides. I am patient, but I also am a mystical fairy that wants to kiss little dew drops on the morning glorys to inspire growth and love. Love that is human, love that is not human. Love that is all there is. I don’t really know at all what I’m searching for, but I’ll know when I find it. I’ll share it with you. It’s going to be wonderful.